THE SPLENDIFEROUS ADVENTURES OF FLUFFERNUTTER AND THE HANDSOME MAN IN THE SUIT
By Barney Stinson
What up, bros and hotties! I recently made a new friend and I wanted to share his story with you:
Once upon a time there was an old farmer who lived in an old farmhouse. And next to that old farmhouse was an old barn. And next to that that old barn was an old hayfield. And next to that old hayfield was an old rusty tractor. And under that old rusty tractor was a magical rabbit warren. And in that magical rabbit warren was a rabbit mommy. And in that rabbit mommy was a rabbit daddy.
Not long thereafter, the rabbit mommy had twelve rabbit babies. The littlest one was named Fluffernutter. He was as white as a crisp dress shirt, and as soft as a stripper's boa. Life was just dandy for young Fluffernutter until things became not-so-magical in the magical rabbit warren. The rabbit mommy made the rabbit daddy smoke his cigars outside, stop going to strip clubs, and spend less money on rare and collectible Star Wars memorabilia. Realizing that monogamy is a social construct and isn't meant for rabbits or humans, Fluffernutter decided to hop to the big city to find a much more magical place to live.
First, Fluffernutter went to an apartment with a short, sassy redhead and a tall man who thundered on and on about mythical creatures and boring water resource statutes. In one of the rooms, the couple kept a screaming demon in a cage that kept trying to share his half-digested carrots with poor Fluffernutter. This place was not magical.
Next, Fluffernutter went to live with a nerdy man with laughably atrocious taste in clothing. The nerdy man's apartment smelled like musty architecture books, hairspray, and sexual desperation. Fluffernutter didn't think Ted's place was very magical either.
Finally, Fluffernutter met a handsome man in a suit… like, stupid handsome. The handsome man in the suit lived in a kickass apartment with lots of awesome Star Wars memorabilia that will almost certainly appreciate in value over the years, so maybe the handsome man in the suit's lovely new fiancée should think of them as an "investment" and not "grown-up geek toys."
One day, the lovely new fiancée's psychotic father came to visit and tried to make the handsome man in the suit harm Fluffernutter. The handsome man in the suit saved Fluffernutter and the two became best friends and lived happily ever after… and definitely didn't have to say goodbye forever when the lovely new fiancée made the handsome man in the suit take little Fluffy to the animal shelter and then work through the resulting uncontrollable sobbing sessions by writing fictional stories about Fluffernutter.
The WAIT FOR IT… End